10 Questions to Discuss before Pursuing Surrogacy (Part 2)
Welcome back to Part 2 of this series on the ’10 Questions to Discuss before Pursuing Surrogacy.’
Part 1 (Available here: https://www.babymoonfamily.com/original-articles/top-10-questions or https://medium.com/@babymoonfamily/10-questions-to-discuss-before-pursuing-surrogacy-part-1-8409e2db0221), went over the following questions:
Why surrogacy?
Where do we do it?
Who donates sperm?
Who is the ideal egg donor?
What support do we need?
Now, let’s get into the next set of questions.
What is a good GC match?
The gestational carrier (GC) will be an integral part of any journey, and this is the relationship — besides the one with yourself and your partner — that is most important.
Whether you are working with an agency or going independent, it’s imperative that the GC is medically qualified. There is a previous BabyMoon Family article (https://www.babymoonfamily.com/original-articles/qualify-become-gestational-carrier or https://medium.com/@babymoonfamily/a-gestational-carrier-is-the-healthy-perfect-needle-in-a-haystack-303ae9566929) that discusses how challenging it is for women to qualify to be GCs in the United States. However, medical qualification is only one of many aspects that make a GC a good match.
Trust, communication, and honesty. These are the pillars of any solid relationship between an intended parent (IP) and GC.
While you can put any number of agreements, restrictions, or clauses in the contract between an IP and GC, this is really only a substitute for these three pillars. Knowing yourself — and the GC knowing herself — and being able to communicate needs, wants, and knowing the difference between these are critical aspects to a good match.
This strategy will fare much better than a never ending contractual agreement stipulating countless hypothetical scenarios. Don’t get me wrong, the contracts between the IP and GC are crucial, and they should each have their own lawyers and do a critical review of the agreements. Also, there are parts of the contract that are essential, such as alignment on termination of a pregnancy, to make sure everyone has complete agreement. However, at the end of the day, this journey involves people, and people are not perfect.
Being able to navigate the challenges that arise that cannot be foreseen involves being able to communicate and trust each other. Finding someone who you can trust and can trust you is the most important part of matching with your GC.
How to navigate the pregnancy?
Navigating the pregnancy involves deciding with your partner and your GC what medical appointments are most important for you to attend, and seeing what your budget will allow. For international IPs, frequent travel can be cost prohibitive and difficult with jobs.
FaceTime and WhatsApp video messaging can cover a lot in terms of helping IPs virtually attend appointments. However, there are a few appointments that every IP and GC should consider being together for:
Implantation: This can be challenging, as it can put a lot of pressure on the GC to have the implantation ‘stick.’ However, it is the ‘first moment’ of the pregnancy, so discussing if this is important to you, your partner, and the GC is a good idea.
Heartbeat: Usually around the 10 week visit, this is an exciting moment for IPs and GCs. This is right before the time when you can start more openly sharing the pregnancy in the second trimester, and the heartbeat is the first ‘communication’ from your baby.
Anatomy scan: This is a must for most IPs and GCs. It’s around the 20 week visit, and it’s a long ultrasound that goes over every part of the baby’s body. There can often be a 3D reconstruction as an image to keep, and it’s the first time you can ‘see’ your baby.
In addition to appointments, how you will communicate in between medical visits is also an important consideration for navigating the pregnancy. Aligning with your GC on how you both want to communicate, how frequently, and what you prefer to discuss (i.e. Sometimes both parties just want to chat and stay in touch and not always talk about the baby).
This varies for international IPs or IPs who may live close enough to visit in person, so you have to decide as well how important the communication and visitation are during the pregnancy to also know where your GC can possibly be located.
What are the birth plans?
This discussion is about how much time you can spend near the GC before the pregnancy. Some agencies require international IPs to spend at least 1 month near the GC before the due date, in case the baby were to come early.
For those having twins, they often come early and have a higher risk of complications with longer hospital stays. So, if you are planning on twins, this is a consideration regarding how much time you will have to maybe be away from your home, work, or even your country before and after the birth.
Depending on which state your GC is giving birth in, there may be a certain amount of time after the birth before the paperwork and documents are ready for you to travel with your baby, either domestically or internationally. This is another consideration when choosing what state to work in.
Lastly, you may be spending a considerable amount of time in another city, state, or country. Thinking about who you want with you and around you is important. How close do you need to be to your friends, family, or chosen family during this process? How does this compare to finding the ‘best possible GC,’ who may not live in a city or state near you or those you want around?
There are a lot of logistics around the birth, but thinking of these ahead of time can help make the actual birth and meeting of your child all the more magical.
How much will it cost?
I’ve saved the best for last: Finances.
The cost of IVF and surrogacy for queer male IPs is expensive. There is no other way to say it. Between the clinic, lawyers, egg donor, GC, hospital, travel, insurance, and everything else along the way, the estimated cost for a journey in the United States is at least $250,000.
As I have said many times before on BabyMoon Family, the United States is the premier place for a surrogacy journey. I believe that the regulations, oversight, and medical care in surrogacy-friendly states ensure that everyone involved in the process is well-informed, taken care of, and happy.
I don’t think you can put a price on this type of confidence and security for you, your reproductive team, the egg donor, the GC, and your child.
However, journeys are considerably cheaper in other countries around the world. Many men are now pursuing Cyprus, Mexico, Colombia, and Argentina, given that the cost can be half or less than half that in the U.S. I do believe that this comes with significant trade-offs that have to be considered.
The most challenging issue with working in these other countries is the legal aspect with regard to parentage, birth certificates, and travel documents. There have been stories of new dads waiting months in Cyprus (1) with similar stories for countries in Central and South America. Money that seems to be saved could actually be spent in other more challenging circumstances where you are desperately trying to get your new baby safely home.
How do we finance it?
It’s hard to have a quarter of a million dollars saved up. So, for those who don’t, there are options on how to finance your journey.
For those in the U.S., you should have a discussion with your employer. Many companies across different industries such as Google, Disney, and Johnson & Johnson offer financial support for IVF and/or surrogacy. However, you often have to ask your HR team if you have these benefits and how to access them.
If your company doesn’t have these benefits, you can work to get them instituted. This is something I am doing at my company, and you can read more about (https://www.babymoonfamily.com/original-articles/expanding-fertility-benefits or https://medium.com/@babymoonfamily/why-and-how-i-am-working-to-extend-fertility-benefits-at-my-company-and-across-the-globe-cc9888744b40). My company currently offers fertility benefits to the U.S.-based employees, but not international employees. If this is the case for you, or if your company doesn’t yet offer benefits to U.S. employees, you can contact companies such as Carrot (https://www.get-carrot.com/). Carrot works with companies to put together packages for IVF, surrogacy, and overall hormonal wellness.
Another financing option includes Men Having Babies’ Gay Parent Assistance Program (GPAP) (https://menhavingbabies.org/assistance/). Men Having Babies (MHB) is a non-profit organization that puts together incredible conferences all over the world to educate and connect gay IPs with IVF clinics, lawyers, and surrogacy agencies in the U.S. and Canada. MHB’s GPAP offers financial assistance based on you and your partner’s income, allowing for various degrees of discounts on parts of your journey. Even if you don’t qualify for MHB’s GPAP, I would highly recommend going to a MHB conference. My husband and I attended one in Berlin, and it was the moment that really kick started our own journey.
Lastly, financing options also include loans, refinancing of your house, GoFundMe campaigns, and help from friends and families.
It’s not cheap, but it’s worth it if you truly want to become a father.
That brings this two-part series of questions to discuss before pursuing surrogacy to a close. If you have any questions, please feel free to reach out at bryan@babymoonfamily.com.
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