Gender Roles, Gay Parents, and the Impact on Children
The debate around gay parenting appropriately revolves around the health and well-being of the children. A recent study demonstrated that the children of gay parents have less anxiety, depression, social withdrawal, aggression, and rule-breaking than the children of straight parents (https://www.babymoonfamily.com/original-articles/gay-fathers-better-than-straight-parents or https://medium.com/@babymoonfamily/science-says-gay-parents-are-better-than-straight-parents-0d5846686af6). However, I wanted to take this opportunity to discuss one of the main reasons why, and I believe it has to do with gender roles.
What are gender roles?
A gender role is a set of socially accepted behaviors and attitudes deemed appropriate for individuals based on their sex. Gender roles are usually centered on conceptions of masculinity and femininity, and influence a wide range of human behavior, including the clothing a person chooses to wear, the profession a person pursues, manner of approach to things, the personal relationships a person enters, and how they behave within those relationships (1).
Because gender roles vary based on culture, the focus of this discussion will be on the gender roles and stereotypes that exist in a Eurocentric culture.
How do straight parents reinforce gender roles?
Parents are likely the most influential figures in a child’s life when it comes to modeling gender through both implicit and explicit cues, and research shows that children’s attitudes towards gender are fully formed by the age of seven (2).
Although gender roles are evolving in American and European societies to where the traditional ‘breadwinning’ father and ‘stay-at-home’ mother are not absolute, it is still the most common dynamic for a traditional family. Studies have repeatedly shown that even in dual-income households, women consistently perform more childcare and domestic activities than their husbands (3).
However, when parents divide household labor equally, children think more flexibly about gender roles. This was demonstrated in a cross-cultural study conducted in England and Hungary. The study found that when fathers performed more childcare, their 4-year-olds demonstrated less knowledge of gender stereotypes (3).
The impact of gender roles on children is more about action than gender appearance, in that children’s observations of the roles their parents play reinforce the structure through which they make sense of the world, and their place in it.
Do gay parents display gender roles?
Robert-Jay Green is a leading researcher of LGBTQ+ relationships, and he has conducted studies in this area since 1975.
In one study, Robert-Jay Green looked at 976 same sex couples in California and followed them over a five year period. The conclusions were that same-sex couples were consistently much more egalitarian in their relationships. They shared decision-making, finances, housework, and childcare more equally. Basically in every dimension, same-sex couples were dramatically more equal in the way they function together as a couple compared to heterosexual couples (4).
Another U.S.-based study comparing 29 gay, 25 lesbian, and 50 heterosexual adoptive couples on co-parenting practices with 3-year-old children and showed that the gay and lesbian couples were more likely to share parenting tasks more evenly than the heterosexual couples (5).
It appears that the roles in gay relationships are much less defined and structured than those in straight relationships, and that gay parents, regardless of gender, are more likely to share domestic and childcare responsibilities. This equality and openness of roles and responsibilities does not impart a strict definition of masculine, feminine, right, and wrong onto children, which has been shown to have significant detrimental effects.
How do gender roles impact children?
If rigid ideas of masculinity and femininity are imposed on children, this can have impacts throughout their lives (2):
Gender stereotypes teach boys not to express their emotions, and tell girls to be nice and obedient and to care about their appearance.
Gender stereotypes can affect every part of life, contributing towards poor mental health in young people, higher male suicide rates, low self-esteem in girls and issues with body image, furthermore allowing a culture of toxic masculinity and violence against women to go unchecked.
For those who don’t conform to the ‘traditional roles’ of society i.e. male/female, such emphasis on stereotyping and discrimination can exacerbate their struggle to feel accepted.
Not being able to express emotions, mental health challenges, and internalized discrimination are a lot for any child to bear, and I believe these internal conflicts — or rather the lessening and absence of them — is what has proven beneficial for children of gay parents.
As stated above, the most recent study showed less internalizing (i.e. anxiety, depression) and externalizing (i.e. aggression, trouble-making) behaviors in children of gay parents compared to straight parents. To me, poor mental health and negative social actions seems like expected behavior if a child is struggling with their identity and role in the world, perhaps because they do not fit ‘perfectly’ into the role they have been shown by their heterosexual parents. However, gay parents demonstrate an openness to roles and life for their children through more egalitarian parenting. Children believe there is no one way to be in the world as a boy or a girl because their parents have shown them that a boy or a girl can do and be whatever they want.
It all comes back to equality between the parents, but this is not exclusive to gay parents.
Another study showed that children whose parents practiced equal divisions of labor within the household and had more liberal attitudes about gender were shown to be more flexible in their own career aspirations and gender stereotypes than children whose parents practiced unequal divisions of labor and conservative views of gender roles, regardless of parental sexual orientation (6).
Straight parents can and should be better at sharing their roles and responsibilities, and I believe straight women especially would agree with this sentiment. It would not only make their lives easier, but it would be better for their children as well.
However, until the time when all straight couples can be more equitable, gay couples will continue to lead the way and demonstrate for their children that they can be and do whatever they want in life, regardless of their gender.
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