Queer Parenthood in the UK (and the World) Has a Long Road to Acceptance
Sometimes I get overwhelmed with the ‘culture wars’ that are prevalent in today’s society. With everything going on in the world, it can sometimes feel like too much to also have to defend my identity, marriage, and future family to the large percentage of the world that doesn’t support it.
The UK LGBTQ+ charity Just Like Us (https://www.justlikeus.org/) has recently published a report (1) on acceptance and challenges for queer parents in UK schools, and, unfortunately, the results shows that the battle for acceptance for LGBTQ+ parents and their families is far from over.
The most promising and uplifting aspect of the report is captured in the introduction, where it states that there are about 217,000 same-sex couple families in the UK as of 2022. This is an incredible number, but what really warrants celebration is the fact that rainbow families have increased 1256% since 1996. This is huge growth in less than two decades, and it supports the trend that I have written about before on BabyMoon Family regarding the growth of queer parents around the world (https://www.babymoonfamily.com/original-articles/rainbow-family-planning).
The report surveyed 1,012 UK LGBTQ+ parents, and I have grouped the main findings into two categories:
Negative comments:
More than half (56%) of lesbian and gay parents face negative comments about their families.
42% of their children have experienced remarks about having LGBTQ+ parents.
A third (30%) of transgender parents have heard negative comments about trans people at school.
39% of lesbian mums have been asked invasive questions such as ‘strangers asking about their child’s sperm donor.’
Lack of inclusion:
Only one in five (19%) LGBT+ parents say their child’s school openly discusses LGBTQ+ families with pupils.
A third (35%) of all LGBTQ+ parents say their school refers to families as “mums and dads” by default.
Only 12% of LGBT+ parents say their child’s school has LGBTQ+ inclusive books for pupils to read.
I hate to admit that I’m not surprised by these findings. The world is more divided than ever. We can blame Trump, the Tories, and other right wing commentators, but they are just the manifestation of a division that has existed for a long time.
Being American, it’s easy for me to believe that the lack of acceptance in this report is about 50%. In the US, cultural topics such as a woman’s right to choose, gender identity, and now queer parentage seem to fall along this even split, often accompanying the support for either the Republican or Democratic parties. It seems that even in the absence of a two-party political system, the UK has managed to find this same cultural division, and although this study doesn’t survey other countries, I believe similar divisions would exist in other parts of Europe, Australia, New Zealand, Canada, and similar countries.
The Just Like Us report does a great job suggesting concrete changes in schools to help improve these statistics, including updating registration forms to be more inclusive of same-sex parents and families, drafting new anti-bullying policies that specifically prohibit harassment of children with queer parents, setting up Pride groups, and celebrating School Diversity Week.
I think the most fundamental changes that should happen in schools (and the world in general) revolve around two things: Language and education.
I believe that we incessantly underestimate the power of our words. What words we use, how often and where we see them, and when we use them are all critical elements that can lead to dramatic improvement in acceptance of rainbow families.
I was taught in medical school to use open and inclusive language for all interactions with patients. This includes never assuming who a patient may sleep with when collecting their sexual history, or assuming that they are even taking their prescribed medication.
This same openness should be applied to how educators talk about parents and families. For example, the default parental structure should not be ‘mom and dad.’ This also means that classrooms and libraries should have plenty of LGBTQ+ inclusive pictures, cartoons, books, and literature. Diverse people and family structures should be interwoven into the fabric of the curriculum in a way that children - who are literal sponges for new information - can absorb and process them as natural diversity in the world, instead of being taught there is a ‘right’ and a ‘wrong’ way to be by establishing a ‘norm.’
Language also has a time and a place. Asking a lesbian or gay parent an invasive question such as ‘Who is your child’s sperm/egg donor?’ has no place in a public arena such as a school. Asking such questions does not mean someone is ‘open’ to learning more, but rather serves only to further delineate an ‘us’ versus ‘them’ mentality that is then passed onto future generations.
When I mention education as the second fundamental change that is needed to address acceptance, I am actually referring to education for the educators. In medical school, we are taught how to be open when interviewing patients. Teachers, school administrators, coaches, and other faculty also need to be taught how to model inclusive language for their students. In order to do this, these teachers need quality material that can adequately and accurately explain concepts like assisted reproductive technology (ART) for queer family building in order to be equipped to translate these messages to children in an age appropriate manner.
Even though I don’t live in the UK, this report has given me a great deal to think about. As a future gay father, I know I am embarking on a journey where I, my husband, and my children will face hardships and some negative comments. However, that is one of the reasons I have founded BabyMoon Family, as I hope the generated content can help mitigate my own and other’s challenges as a rainbow family.
The way to shape the world is to have a voice, and in today’s world, that voice is through the internet and social media. Therefore, I intend to keep writing about ART, queer intended and current parents, science, and societal perspectives for rainbow families in order to promote quality, educational information on these topics.
This is the best way I can contribute to positive change. If I can help one ignorant person understand what it takes for queer parents to have children through ART, and open their mind to the fact that at the end of the day, queer parents are just parents, then I believe BabyMoon Family will have been a success.
I started this article with a somewhat defeatist statement. I said I was overwhelmed by the ‘culture wars.’ While that may be true some of the time, I’m also up for the challenge to help and encourage other queer people to become parents, while also educating the 50% who don’t understand or support rainbow families to possibly change their perspective.
It’s a war, but I believe fighting with words, reels, and TikToks is an effective ‘battle’ strategy to win and change the world for the better.
References: