It’s a Surrogate Rematch with a Couple!
We have forward motion again on our baby journey!
My husband and I have matched with our second (and hopefully last) surrogate or gestational carrier (GC).
This has been a challenging transition, as we really connected with and wanted to pursue this journey with our first match. Unfortunately, her age made obtaining newborn insurance near impossible, so we had to pursue another match.
Our agency, Hatch, has been great in terms of re-introducing us to another incredible woman who meets all the medical criteria for our newborn insurance.
More importantly, she also meets all the criteria that my husband and I have in addition to the essential medical and psychological screening.
I have seen a lot of posts on social media regarding questions to ask a potential GC or how to know it’s a good match.
This question is different if you are on an independent journey or an agency guided one. My husband and I are working with an agency who does a thorough screening on potential GCs medical, psychological, social, and financial background.
However, if we didn’t have this resource and filter, I would recommend intended parents (IPs) check out the guidelines from the American Society of Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) for GCs (1).
These guidelines provide an overview of the medical and psychological screening for potential GCs. On an independent journey, your IVF physician will review these guidelines with the potential GC, but it could save time and potential disappointment to pre-screen potential matches before your fertility doctor.
The technical aspects aside, the most important considerations for my husband and me that I recommend for any type of journey include:
Future relationship: What kind of relationship does she want after the delivery?
Communication: How often and what type of communication do you want to have during and after the birth?
Social support: Who is in her life that knows and supports her decision and will be there to help her through this process and afterwards?
If these criteria sound like those you would discuss with a potential romantic partner, that’s not a mistake. This journey is an intense partnership, full of ups and downs like any romantic one, so treating as one from the beginning helps set the foundation for a healthy relationship.
My husband and I very much want this person to be in our child’s life. Our in-person interactions with our GC will never be a daily occurrence given the geographical distance between Sweden and the U.S., but this relationship is one that we are embarking on for the long term.
It’s perfectly acceptable to not want to have a close relationship with a GC. However, I think that has to be clearly defined before a match. Any misalignment of expectations is toxic for an IP-surrogate match. Also, this decision is not just for you as the IPs. You have to make a decision for your child. In my opinion, openness and the ability for your child to communicate with the GC is paramount to their own mental and emotional health.
In order to develop the type of future relationship you want - whatever that may be - communication is paramount. Busy schedules, time zones, and so many other things in life can complicate communication. For example, I have close friends I have known for decades, and we play phone tag with each other weeks sometimes before we connect.
While the pregnancy and shared journey will bring the IPs and GC closer together, it is also a stressful experience. Understanding how (i.e. text, WhatsApp, FaceTime, Zoom, phone) and how frequently (i.e. weekly, daily, or more) you want to communicate should be discussed openly.
Matching, like any relationship, requires honesty with yourself and with the other person.
Lastly, and I think most importantly, is social support. Being an international couple, my husband and I will not be in the U.S. for most of the pregnancy. Even for many queer IPs in the U.S., the GC does not live in their home state, so this is a long distance relationship for most matches. My husband and I want to come to as many appointments as possible, and we plan on being near our GC about a month before the due date, but otherwise, we will be a world away.
Who will be with our GC the rest of the time?
What family, friends, and coworkers are around?
How do they feel about her being a GC?
In this respect, I feel we have hit the jackpot. Our GC is surrounded by friends and extended family, but she also has the support of an incredible husband.
Our first match was with a single woman. She was amazing, and I didn’t see her being single as a drawback. Our new match is married, and honestly, this made me nervous at first. As a gay man who didn’t come out until later in life, I spent decades pretending to be straight and forced myself to hang out with straight guys. What I really wanted was to hang out with the gays and the girls, but I didn’t let the younger version of me have this freedom. I wasn’t ready for it. However, after coming out and embracing the authentic me, I have not had as much social interaction with straight guys outside of work. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t avoid them or have any issues with them, but I don’t think I ever became comfortable with them while also being my true self.
Enter the GCs husband.
He was great. He didn’t give off any of that ‘dude’ or ‘bro’ vibe, and it was so obvious that he adores his wife. He is not only incredibly supportive of her and her choice to be a GC, but he also really wants to know us. He also wants a relationship with us during and after the pregnancy. This openness and warmth was not what I was expecting, but it made me feel so relaxed and happy.
In some ways, I felt like this time we are matching with a couple, and I realize that this is a great way to look at this process.
The partner of the GC should also be invested and excited for this journey. After all, they will be with them every day, for every morning sickness, for every cramp, and for every kick. I guess this just never occurred to me because we had only ever talked with a single mom, but this is definitely something I would recommend to all IPs:
Make sure the GCs partner is excited for this journey.
Throughout this process, the GC and you will need them, and you want them to really want to be there.
While our GC still has to finalize her medical and legal clearance, I am cautiously optimistic that this is the one. My husband and I are so excited to be pregnant, and now we have a wonderful GC and husband on our incredible rainbow family team.
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