How Swedish Gay Dads Talk About Their Surrogacy Journeys
Everything in life is a story, and the story of surrogacy can be hard to tell.
My husband and I aren’t even pregnant yet, and I have already bought the highly recommended children’s book What Makes a Baby (1). This book describes all the ways people can become parents, and I am planning on reading this to our son/daughter early and often.
However, stories are also about relationships. In the case of queer men having a baby through IVF and surrogacy, there are many relationships in addition to parent-child. There are egg donors; gestational carriers (GCs) or surrogates; sperm donors, and even more indirect support from medical professionals, lawyers, and agencies.
Even though my husband and I are American, we are navigating our assisted reproduction journey while living in Sweden. Given this, I wanted to see how Swedish gay men perceive their own surrogacy journeys.
A study from 2020 interviewed twenty-two Swedish gay fathers through surrogacy to see how they talked about the surrogate and egg donor (2, full article is available for free). Although this study is a few years old, it will be interesting to see how similar my husband and I are to these research subjects and what I agree and disagree with in terms of their experiences. I will also describe how I think this study would be different if it were conducted today.
Lastly, I want to examine how this study and these Swedish gay fathers’ descriptions of their assisted reproduction journeys show that Sweden (and Europe) are lagging behind the U.S. when it comes to the idea of ‘family.’
How Similar are My Husband and I to the Research Subjects?
From a demographics and journey perspective, my husband and I are remarkably similar to the Swedish gay dads in this study:
Age: The participants were between 33 and 52 years old, most of them in their forties. I am 42 while my husband is 33.
Income: Most participants (including my husband and I) were upper-middle class.
Type of Surrogacy: Almost all participants did gestational surrogacy with only 2 gay dads pursuing traditional surrogacy (where the egg donor is also the gestational carrier).
Geography of Journey: All except one participant did their journey in the U.S. (like us). The other journey was in Eastern Europe (although not specified, I assume it was Ukraine).
However, if this study were to be done today, I think these demographics would look very different. While living in Sweden and connecting with other queer intended fathers through social media and in-person conferences, it has been challenging to find other men in the same situation as my husband and me.
Today, 5 years after this study was published, the demographics for Swedish gay intended/current dads and their journeys looks different based on my anecdotal information. In 2025, the men looking to pursue fatherhood in Sweden are younger and are pursuing assisted reproduction in Central and South America as opposed to the U.S. The reason for this is simple: Cost.
As I have written about before, not every income situation can afford a U.S. surrogacy journey (https://www.babymoonfamily.com/original-articles/ivf-and-surrogacy-abroad). However, Swedish and other European queer men have found that countries like Mexico and Colombia offer significantly cheaper options for IVF and surrogacy. This is especially important given the war in Ukraine making this a far less appealing destination.
I believe that this changing demographic would dramatically affect the results of a study such as this if it were conducted in Sweden today. For one, you will have queer men pursuing assisted reproduction in less affluent countries, and they will be less likely to speak the local language.
The discourse in Sweden is very anti-surrogacy, as it is believed to be exploitative of vulnerable, poorer women. This narrative is more challenging for queer fathers to counteract if they pursue assisted reproduction in Colombia compared to the U.S., so how would Swedish gay men describe their journeys then?
As we will see with the results of this study, relationship development between surrogates, egg donors, and intended fathers is based on communication. Swedish people are excellent at English, so communicating with women in the U.S. is easy. However, Spanish is much less common in Sweden, and so this type of relationship building would be more challenging.
It would be fascinating to have this study conducted again to see if my assumptions and extrapolations would be correct. In the meantime, let’s continue with the 2020 research participants who do mirror my husband and me.
How Much Do I Agree and Disagree with the Swedish Gay Dads’ Experiences?
Gestational Carrier (GC) or Surrogate Descriptions
Having just matched with our GC, I am excited that we are already texting and sharing parts of our lives even before the transfer. Before matching, we all made it very clear that we want to communicate often and develop a true relationship during and after the pregnancy.
This is something that the majority of Swedish gay dads shared: A close relationship with their surrogate. One father described it in the following way:
‘A wonderfully close contact developed, both with the surrogate mother but also with her husband and their family and [we] met them. They see us as their Swedish relatives…’
This familial connection across continents with the desire to know all the people involved on both sides of the relationship is what my husband and I also want. It’s a relationship that can enrich all people involved, and it provides the beginning of the story for our child.
Not all Swedish gay dads had this experience with their GC. One couple - the only couple to pursue their journey outside the U.S. - had issues getting pregnant and so went through several matches with different surrogates. They were not able to meet the final GC before matching:
‘We hadn’t met her. We met the first time, the first [intended] surrogate mother, but then when we changed surrogate mothers and egg donors so many times, it wasn’t possible to (.) travel to [country in eastern Europe] every time.’
I find it interesting that this experience was only reflected in the non-U.S. journey. In the U.S., so much is done in terms of medical and psychological screening for GCs, that pregnancy rates are almost 80% on the first attempt. To go through several matches and rounds of implantation, using precious embryos each time would make it challenging financially and emotionally for any person. It’s understandable that these Swedish gay dads found it harder to form a relationship and invest in their surrogate early and during the pregnancy, as they were likely trying to protect themselves from further disappointment.
Many Swedish gay dads also described their GCs as ‘independent’ and ‘strong,’ which is something I also share. Women who choose to become surrogates in the U.S. do so because they want to. They know their body, and they know how to be pregnant. They want to do this because they want to help other people become parents, and studies have shown that they are not motivated primarily by money (https://www.babymoonfamily.com/original-articles/us-surrogates-survey).
These feelings were echoed in the majority of Swedish gay dads. However, one couple described reluctance to leave the surrogate alone in her own room after the delivery, which they framed as ‘traumatic.’
I’m a physician. I have seen dozens of childbirths in medical school. Whether it is a natural (vaginal) or a surgical (c-section) childbirth, it is always traumatic. It is a miraculous experience, but it is still pushing a child through a vagina or having major abdominal surgery. So, it was perfectly normal for these two Swedish gay dads to think it was traumatic.
What was wrong with their situation was that the GC’s partner or family member was not immediately with her after the delivery. It’s not that she needed to have the baby or the gay dads around after the birth. She needed her own family or close friend there. Anyone, after any major hospital procedure, should be with a loved one. This had nothing to do with surrogacy being more traumatic than any other childbirth experience, but I disagree with how the authors portrayed this description.
My husband and I will do everything possible to ensure our GC has a loved one present immediately after the birth of our child.
Egg Donors
The study states that the Swedish gay dads said much less about the egg donors compared to the GCs.
This is completely normal, and I agree with this as well. There is just less to say about a donated gamete than a woman who you spend the better part of a year and the ‘trauma’ of childbirth with.
I did appreciate the variety of egg donor experiences even with the small sample size of gay dads in this study. One participant said:
The egg donor is a completely wonderful girl [. . .] who, er, we have met many times as well, though most people don’t have any relationship with their egg donor, but we do, because we wanted that ...So we have a large (laugh) modern family.
This gay dad recognized how unique his situation was with his egg donor, but he still celebrated it and had the journey and relationship that he wanted.
The majority of the Swedish gay dads had open donations with their egg donors, which is also something my husband and I have so that our child can reach out and connect with the donor if they ever want to. Interestingly, I didn’t know that this was required in Sweden, where knowledge of one’s genetic origin is considered a fundamental human right.
One aspect from a Swedish gay dad’s perspective that I didn’t agree with was comparing picking an egg donor to choosing a dog:
‘It's a database and that feels really weird. It feels just as weird as buying a dog and choosing a dog breed, and even if that’s a horrible comparison, it’s really, really weird emotionally.’
I have previously written about how my husband and I chose our egg donor (https://www.babymoonfamily.com/original-articles/choosing-egg-donor). It’s not a decision to be taken lightly, and it’s not just about looks and family medical history. Yes, those are important, but I think it’s essential to also search for something less objective and more of a human connection with the egg donor.
My husband and I were specifically looking for our egg donor to have a passion for something in her life, and to be someone that we ‘liked’ and would consider being her friend. These were aspects that we pieced together from her profile, but we also received a detailed video message that really showcased her personality and sealed the deal for us.
The egg donor is a person, not a pet, and so comparing this search to choosing a dog breed is completely untrue.
How is Sweden (and Europe) Behind the U.S. When It Comes to the Idea of ‘Family?’
While I do feel like my husband and I are more similar than different to the Swedish gay dads interviewed in this article, what I really took away from this research study is how outdated Sweden and Europe can be when it comes to talking about ‘family.’
For example, the article discusses how the Swedish gay dads tried to define the ‘mother’ from an egg donor or GC perspective, and the authors state that biogenetically related people are generally understood as “real” relatives. Europe is obsessed with traditional motherhood and genetic lineage in a way that is so medieval.
Family can be any collection of people who support, love, and are integral to a person's life. No one knows this more than queer people, who form a ‘chosen family’ when their genetic relatives disown them or don’t play a prominent role in their lives. I am included in this group, as I am not close with my genetic family, but I do have extremely close relationships and ‘family’ in my husband and our friends.
Why would queer dads ever have to tiptoe around the ‘motherhood’ of their child? A mother is the female parent who cares for a child. It has nothing to do with genetic or gestational contribution. The authors seem to invalidate adoption, single fathers, and gay fatherhood with this paper.
In the U.S., gay dads are explicit in stating their child does not have a mother. Because they don’t. Most recently, this was shared by celebrity gay dads Colton Underwood and Jordan C. Brown in a social media post: https://www.instagram.com/coltonunderwood/reel/DBwk0_9Shwh/
These American gay dads literally want to ‘scream it from the rooftops’ that their son has no mother. He has an egg donor and a gestational carrier, and they are both amazing women who I’m sure he will know if he wants to, but he does not have a mother.
This research article's obsession with motherhood has no place in a study of gay dads. In fact, it’s outdated and completely misses the point of ‘rainbow families’ and ‘chosen families.’ All families of any constellation of parent(s) or members are valid.
Why are we still trying to fit everything into a heteronormative family model in the 21st century? Do lesbian moms have to call the sperm donor the father? Do we have to call the trans man who carries a child the mother? The answers are ‘No!’ and so gay fathers should not be forced to identify a mother in their reproductive process.
I’m convinced that this archaic insistence on the importance of motherhood is a large reason that Europe is so anti-surrogacy. While I’m sure that time and further research will help invalidate these beliefs, I have found that Europe is not great with cultural change, and so it may be a few generations before any evolution even approaching the U.S. can happen on this issue.
However, I think this type of research is important and should definitely be done again with the rapidly changing landscape of queer parenthood and assisted reproduction in Sweden and throughout the world.
References:
