Struggling to Showcase Ourselves to Potential Gestational Carriers
As I write this, our embryos are about 4 days old, and we will have our final count, grade, and pre-implantation genetic testing (PGT-A) completed in a couple weeks. It’s exciting, and now we are approaching the next critical stage in our journey: Matching with a gestational carrier (GC).
I have written previously about the early decisions we made regarding our journey, and the type of agency and support we were looking for, which you can read more about here (https://www.babymoonfamily.com/original-articles/beginning-surrogay-journey).
I say this because even though we are working with a full-service agency, we still have to help them match us with a GC. I know that for many queer intended parents (IPs) who are on independent journeys, they are experts at advertising and profiling themselves on social media and wherever possible to meet potential GCs. However, our process is a bit different.
Via surveys and Zoom meetings, we have provided our agency with information about us and what we are looking for with a GC, and now we have to compose a personal letter that the agency can share with potential GCs. Based on this information and armed with this letter, the agency will then select one GC to introduce us to, assuming she agrees to meet with us. Obviously, either we or the GC can decide it’s not a good match. However, the agency prides itself on extremely high first match rates, and, to be honest, after waiting for over a year to be matched, we will be extremely hesitant to decline a match unless there are significant red flags.
Much of the essential logistics and relationship elements are covered by the agency’s surveys and interviews with us. We have shared our preferences on things such as geography, age, religious beliefs, communication, desired relationship with IPs, and lifestyle of the GC. Now, we are drafting the personal letter that really serves as our first impression for potential GCs.
There is a lot of pressure on this letter.
We have to be interesting without bragging, charming but not too brazen, talk about why and how we will make good parents, as well as be honest about what we are looking for in a relationship with a GC.
This all has to be accomplished with a letter that obviously can’t be too long. Let’s be honest, as a society we are all accustomed to tweets and posts that are 140 characters or less, so less can be more when it comes to this letter standing out in a positive way.
With this task at hand, we have started crafting our story. Because that’s what it really is, our story. Who are we? What do we do for work? For fun? How did we meet? How long have we been together? Why do we want to be parents? What are we looking for in a GC?
Honestly, the last two questions have been much easier than the general description of who we are. I was not expecting this, but it’s easy to convey how much we want to be parents, explaining the years of saving and planning, conferences we attended to learn about the process, and the time and effort required to have children as a queer couple.
Also, we have a clear idea of the type of relationship we want to have with our GC. We really want to connect and communicate well with her, and we hope that this will continue and evolve even after the pregnancy. Ideally, we want to be in each other's lives indefinitely. This is both because of the gift she is giving us, and also for the story of our child. If he/she/they are interested, it would be amazing if our child could also get to know her, her family, and have that as part of their identity.
But how do we talk about ourselves to a stranger to get them to choose to carry our baby? I was never good at casual dating, as I very much wanted to get to what I considered the ‘interesting part,’ or actual relationship. Yet, this letter has to convey both ‘dating’ aspects and the ‘relationship’ ones. It has to be enough to make us enticing and then add even more to make us worthy of her long-term time, effort, and relationship.
It also has to set us up for the all important virtual ‘meet-cute’ (1). There is so much pressure on this, and we are so primed to engage and continue our journey, that I worry we will come across a little too ‘hot on the porridge.’ This is a translated Swedish expression for ‘het på gröten,’ that means someone is too eager and acting rashly.
Deep breath.
At the end of the day, I believe two words will carry us through: Truth and trust.
We will be honest about ourselves and what we are looking for in a GC. Paramount for us is a sense of mutual trust. We want that to be the beginning and basis of our relationship, and so, we have to trust that this letter will convey that and that we will meet the best possible GC for us to continue on our journey to fatherhood.
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