Psychological ‘Labor’ for Queer Dads-to-Be
I love a checklist. It brings me great satisfaction to organize and then gradually accomplish a list of tasks. There are many tasks to get done before welcoming a baby, including but not limited to getting the car seat installed, building the crib, and buying an inordinate amount of diapers. However, these are the more straightforward, physical tasks on the list. What about mental preparation? How do fathers-to-be prepare to take on this new role? And how is this different for queer dads-to-be? In this article, I want to focus on how intended dads can reflect on their own childhood in preparation for becoming fathers.
Before diving into the psychological changes and some preparation for intended fathers, I must add a few disclaimers. I am a physician, and so I strongly feel that there is no substitute for therapy and working with a mental health professional. I believe everyone, not just those planning on becoming fathers, should engage with therapy. The exercises and descriptions below are not meant to help someone deal with significant mental health challenges or trauma. If you have or believe you have those, please consult with a healthcare professional.
Now, back to the mental gymnastics of impending fatherhood.
While dads won’t go through physical labor when having a baby, they will go through psychological ‘labor’ (1). This term is a great description of the mental journey that men can go through before becoming fathers. What does this entail? It’s really a process of looking back at your life as a child and thinking about the parent you want to be. La Guardia Cross, a famous father influencer, summed up the importance of this reflection period:
“Fatherhood is a mirror, like any relationship, so your personal baggage will be brought to light” (2).
Psychological ‘labor’ can help dads-to-be think about their own lived experiences to find possible ‘baggage’ or issues they may have related to their parents. One exercise that can help bring this to light is an event timeline. In this exercise, you reflect on every year of your life, going back to your earliest memories. Then, you write down one or two core memories from each year. It can be a good memory, a happy memory, a negative memory, or a neutral memory. It’s important to pick memories that tap into your sensorial experience, meaning that you can visualize, feel, smell, taste, or hear aspects of the memory, as this makes them more potent when you recall them. Also, don’t worry if you don’t have any memories before the age of 3 or 4, as that is totally normal.
When your event timeline is complete, you can then reflect on your childhood by reviewing the core memories in chronological order. What was fun? What was joyful? What was sad? What made you angry? What would you want to recreate as a parent? What would you change? This helps one start to craft the idea of the father they want to be, and how that is the same or different from their own parents.
In terms of the negative memories, these can serve another purpose. They are not just examples of what you may want to do differently as a parent, but they can also provide the opportunity to imagine parenting your younger self. Take one of the bad memories, and try to go back to it. However, instead of being yourself, pretend you are the parent to your younger self. Sit with your younger self when you are upset. How would you take care of your younger self? What would you say or not say? How would you handle the situation in the parental role? In going through this, you may also provide some comfort and healing to yourself, and you can potentially turn a negative memory into a powerful manifestation of your future parenting.
In psychology, this visualization exercise where you confront and parent your younger self is known as ‘inner child work’ (3). It’s a powerful method to help work through challenging and sometimes traumatic childhood experiences, but, if being used for these purposes, it is best to engage with a trained psychologist. For others who engage with this to learn more about their potential ‘baggage’ and parenting styles as part of their psychological ‘labor,’ this can be done on one’s own.
Unfortunately, some people have very unhappy childhoods, with little to no good memories to reflect on. If you have an event timeline like this, all hope is not lost, and for queer dads-to-be, this may be the case more often than for straight counterparts. While I believe and advocate heartily for anyone in this situation — myself included — to seek help through therapy to really work through childhood trauma or relationship failures with parents, there are elements of this experience that people already have to leverage as they embark on parenthood.
Men who have suffered through their own childhood and still want to embark on a fatherhood journey are nothing if not optimistic and motivated. Despite their experience, they still want to have a family and are willing to do what it takes to provide a different experience than the one they had. If this describes you, lean into that motivation and stay positive.
Queer men who have also had extremely negative experiences with their biological family have had the opportunity to build their own family from friends. With strength and resilience, queer men often form their own ‘chosen family.’ Knowing how to form these deep connections and relationships is evidence that you can also form them with your children and the new family you will create, so trust that process and focus on those thoughts during your psychological ‘labor.’
Queer dads-to-be, possibly more than straight IPs, can be susceptible to comparison with their partner. By nature of both partners being male and experiencing the baby journey from the same perspective, it’s an easy trap to start comparing your psychological ‘labor’ and preparations. Don’t do this. Everyone experiences everything differently, and your differences as a couple will only enhance your parenting experience.
Helping queer men really enjoy this journey, the psychological ‘labor’ and preparations for having a baby, is what BabyMoon Family is all about. Enjoying the ‘babymoon,’ or the period before the birth of your child, is a time that should be cherished. Preparation, both mental and task-oriented, are easier with the support of a community of like-minded queer dads and dads-to-be.
Launching soon will be the BabyMoon Family app, also known as the queer dads social network. Stay tuned to www.babymoonfamily.com for updates and links to download the app and start connecting with queer men on all things fatherhood.
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