Masturbating in a Clinic as a Queer Dad-to-Be

Our surrogacy journey continues with a description of the sperm donation process. If you’d like to catch up on the first part of this evolving series, check out my previous article ‘The Beginning of Our Surrogacy Journey’ found here: https://medium.com/@babymoonfamily/the-beginning-of-our-surrogacy-journey-d5beb833a23b.

This will be a story of ejaculation in 3 parts, because, well, I want to have a little fun with what can be an anxiety provoking and awkward process. Also, I want to write it after each step, so it will be composed at different times and then combined before publishing.

Part 1: The Anticipation

I am beginning this article on my iPhone, as I am currently on a plane from Stockholm, Sweden (via London) to Los Angeles, California. I am filled with incredible excitement as my husband and I are taking the first concrete step in our baby journey after picking a clinic and agency. This is the medical testing for each of us, including the all-important sperm testing and freezing.

While we have done a tremendous amount of research and had discussions with providers and agencies at conferences and via Zoom, this is the first concrete step we are taking. It involves a component of us that will eventually make our baby, that being our own genetic contribution to the child.

As a doctor, I am well aware of and completely fine with the FDA required testing (including a brief physical examination followed by urine and blood testing for infectious diseases), and, frankly, quite curious about the genetic testing. However, I am a bit sheepish about the sperm donation process, mostly because this is not something anyone has talked with us about. Although queer men are very comfortable talking about all things sex, a discussion about masturbating in a clinic has oddly never come up.

In order to fill this void of information, I have started to ponder some questions. For example, my husband and I are both contributing sperm, so will they let us go in together? Seems like that could result in a bit of ‘cross contamination.’ Joking aside, training as a physician has made clinic environments the least ‘sexy’ place to me in the world. Don’t get me wrong, I loved ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ — at least the first few seasons — but the amount of sex they had in call rooms baffled me. Also, the call rooms had beds rather than examination tables. What will it be like to masturbate in a clinic room, like the ones that I am familiar with from seeing patients?

For now, I will sit back, enjoy this 12 hours of flight time, and not think too much about how I will successfully masturbate in a medical environment in a couple days time.

Part 2: The Climax

Flash forward a couple days after arriving in LA, and I am now an expert sperm donor.

Let’s take a couple steps back so I can set the scene and describe the clinic and process.

My first impression of the clinic as a whole was that this was not a clinic at all, or at least not like any clinic I had previously worked in. This was a spa. You arrive to a lobby that is beautifully lit, full of designer furniture, and with the most calming atmospheric music playing overhead. There is coffee and spa water in abundance, as well as a plethora of admins and other staff to greet you and make you feel comfortable. It was extremely pleasant to say the least.

I also found it very cute that there were other queer intended parents in the waiting room. While the clinic does primarily serve heterosexual couples with fertility issues, gay and queer men were also represented, and that was great to see.

Aside from the sperm donation, which I will get to momentarily, I will say that the most interesting part was in learning more about our genetic testing. While everyone is a carrier for some mutation or another, what is interesting is that we will have to wait for our results before we can start looking for egg donors. The process of searching and selecting an egg donor will definitely be a topic for a later article, but the first ‘hurdle’ in this selection is making sure that we know our genetic mutations so that neither my nor my husband’s mutations will match with those of our egg donor. The genetic profile of the egg donors who have donated before are already known, but if we select a new donor from the database, she will have to complete the genetic testing before we can even consider matching with her.

Moving on to the main event: Masturbating in the clinic.

After seeing several ‘normal’ clinic rooms for our physical examination and blood draws, we were escorted to our separate donation rooms. The room was in a completely different mood from the clinic or any other examination room. It was a darker and more subdued atmosphere, with black walls, a black sink, and a very large TV. In some ways, it was as ‘sexy’ as a 4 x 4 foot room in a clinic could be. The lighting was dim and recessed. There was a soft, sofa armchair, with the seat cushion covered by a moisture absorbent pad (not sexy, but practical). The nurse explained to me that there were donation safe-lubes that could be used, and that I should document the following on the form after completing the task: Days abstinent, time of ejaculation, and whether I got the whole sample in the cup or not — more to come on the cup.

As an aside, we were instructed before arriving at the clinic that we should abstain from ejaculation for at least 2 but no more than 5 days. This window provides the optimal sample in terms of sperm that is not too young or too old.

Back to the room. I was curious as to what would come on when I turned on the giant TV. I was not expecting Porn Hub to open with a full heterosexual scene already up and running. I quickly turned that off as nothing could make this situation harder for me than watching straight people have sex. I then sat down, took out my phone, and found a more suitable movie for my gay orientation. I would say at this point that all was going okay until I started hearing the nurses and staff chatting outside. It felt very ‘public’ from an audio perspective, so I kept my video viewing and my own sounds on mute. The hardest part came when I was about to finish, and I got in the position to make my deposit in the small plastic cup. I was so afraid to miss some of the sample, that I caught myself on the somewhat sharp plastic edge of the cup rim. This didn’t draw blood, but it was an unpleasant chaffing to finish up the process.

All in all, it was not a terrible experience by any means. They really did everything to make the room ‘sexy’ and as easy as possible to get the deed done. However, I will say that after doing that 2 days in a row — yes, we did have to go back for a backup sample to be frozen — I can honestly say that it is an experience that I do not need to have again in my life.

Part 3: The Afterglow

After leaving the clinic, my husband and I kissed in the parking lot. We did our small part in this miraculous process. The journey now feels more real than ever, and everything feels even more full of life and hope with the prospect of newness that comes with a baby. I try to hold on to this feeling, and as I write this, I hope I will come back to this article and remember this and each of these incredible steps in the process.

This is what I want for all who are part of the BabyMoon Family, to share and enjoy their journeys to parenthood as queer parents. For more information, please visit www.babymoonfamily.com or feel free to email me at bryan@babymoonfamily.com.