Procreative Consciousness and Family Planning of Swedish Queer Men
‘Procreative consciousness’ is the state of mental preparedness that queer men have to achieve before actually planning for fatherhood.
It’s a great term as it captures a unique stage in the reproductive journey of queer men, as they cannot have children by accident and have to research and really plan on if they want to pursue adoption, fostering, or assisted reproductive technology (ART) to have their rainbow family.
A 2020 study (1) in Swedish gay and bisexual men found some interesting stages and characteristics of ‘procreative consciousness’ and described the behavior, psychology, and process of these men in contemplating and planning on having children.
While the study is a few years old, I wanted to highlight it for several reasons:
I’m a gay man living with my husband in Sweden. Even though I’m American, we live here and are planning on having our first child here, so I wanted to learn more about queer Swedish men and family planning.
We are having our child via ART, and Swedish culture and regulations approach surrogacy very differently compared to America.
I believe there is a lot that BabyMoon Family as a resource and platform could offer Swedish queer men on their journeys to fatherhood, and this research is helpful in identifying those areas of need.
The Fatherhood Journey as a Pendulum Not a Path
The study conducted structured interviews with fourteen gay or bisexual-identified Swedish men. The average age of the men was 30 years, most lived in larger cities, were well-educated, six were single, and eight were in committed relationships or married.
The authors’ overarching conclusion regarding procreative consciousness and the fatherhood journey for Swedish queer men was that it was not a straight path but rather a pendulum, where the consciousness and motivation vacillate between ‘obstructing factors’ (things that made the process of becoming a father seem less attainable) and ‘enabling factors’ (things that made the journey to fatherhood seem more attainable).
Pendulum Model for the Journey to Fatherhood for Queer Swedish Men (1)
These factors and the pendulum model are illustrated in the figure above from the paper.
Interestingly, the authors of this paper described a phenomenon that has since been written about and publicized more widely: Involuntary childlessness in queer men.
There is a 2022 article from the UK that encapsulates this mentality for gay men:
“Gay men are expected to be OK with not having children. This is the kind of discrimination we’re trying to fight the most.” (2)
The ‘battleground’ for queer men described above is really an internal struggle to attain procreative consciousness while navigating the heteronormative pathway to parenthood and overcoming the financial, social, and emotional hurdles required to become a queer father.
In the Swedish study, several participants almost had to ‘come out’ again as intended fathers. The assumption from them, their family, and their social circles was that their sexual orientation predetermined a childfree existence. Interacting with other queer parents, meeting a partner who wanted to be a father, and/or meeting a woman interested in co-parenting were all significant ‘enabling factors’ that helped these men ‘come out’ as intended parents.
I believe the globalization of news and media in general has also promoted the search for a fatherhood identity amongst Swedish queer men. As I have written before, there are a number of high profile queer fathers who have been open about their journeys and family life (https://www.babymoonfamily.com/original-articles/gay-celebrities-surrogacy). However, these examples are very U.S.-centric, and one of the biggest ‘obstructing factors’ for Swedish queer men in pursuing fatherhood is the limitations around surrogacy.
Surrogacy in Sweden
Surrogacy in Sweden is not permitted for any intended parent, straight or queer. At the time of this publication, the U.S. was the go-to place for international surrogacy destinations, but even in 2020, the costs were prohibitive for most Swedes. Today, these costs have increased dramatically, and so there are more international journeys occurring in Central and South America from Europe, which I have previously written about (https://www.babymoonfamily.com/original-articles/ivf-and-surrogacy-abroad).
As it relates to this study, the participants highlighted the ‘obstructing factor’ of costs related to international surrogacy. However, they also highlighted their own insecurities around the ethics of surrogacy in general. This I found interesting, but, unfortunately, not surprising.
The media of Sweden has portrayed surrogacy extremely negatively, and this is reflected in the participants own quotations from the study:
‘I think it’s hard to, like, have to give up um your biological child? Or the, the child that you have been, like, a surrogate mother for? (...) But, at the same time, yes, especially not if it like is (.) sort of (.) paid. Or something. I think it’s weird and wrong.’
This participant’s quote showcases several glaring misconceptions around surrogacy that the Swedish media has promoted:
The gestational carrier or surrogate is the ‘biological mother.’
Compensation of any kind is unacceptable.
The process is ‘weird and wrong.’
In fact, the views regarding surrogacy in Sweden are so negative, that previous research quoted in this publication demonstrates that queer men who become fathers through adoption are actually dismissive and respond negatively to those who pursue surrogacy. This ‘internalized parental homophobia,’ to give it a term I just made up, is a vicious perspective that should not be cultivated amongst the rainbow family community. All families are valid and should be respected, but this is the environment that the study participants are exposed to in Sweden.
Need for BabyMoon Family in Sweden and Europe
These misconceptions and cultural attitude towards surrogacy as well as an ethical pathway to fatherhood for Swedes and Europeans in general are a huge motivation for me and the space that BabyMoon Family can fill.
Europe loves children, family, and (in most countries) LGBTQ+ people, but it hates surrogacy. In order to shift this mentality, ethical surrogacy needs to be highlighted as the benchmark for ART. This means that strong legal, medical, fiscal, psychological, and social guardrails need to be enforced for any journey, whether it be in the U.S., Mexico, or any other country that allows commercial surrogacy.
Journeys that showcase this model need to be shared, so that European queer men don’t think of surrogacy as taking advantage of an uneducated, uninformed, unempowered woman. It is very much the opposite in the U.S., where women have a strong calling and motivation to help and love being pregnant. These are qualities I have described previously in an article about women who decided to become gestational carriers (GCs) (https://www.babymoonfamily.com/original-articles/why-gestational-carrier). Also, a recent social media group demonstrated the new identity of GCs in Israel, labeling themselves as ‘Married, Educated, Not in It for the Money,’ as they were upset about the incessant negative portal of GCs and wanted to defend their backgrounds and decisions (3).
Another aspect to BabyMoon Family that could be of use to queer Swedes and Europeans is the matching program. As highlighted in a previous article (https://www.babymoonfamily.com/original-articles/queer-matching), BabyMoon Family is launching a queer intended parent matching program. This will help queer intended mothers and queer intended fathers find each other and possibly work together as donors and/or GCs to build their rainbow families.
Given that this study highlighted the ‘enabling factor’ of coparenting with a woman for gay/bi Sweden men, it seems as though working with a queer woman as an egg donor, GC, or coparent would be appealing to Swedes and possibly Europeans more broadly. BabyMoon Family could help facilitate these connections.
I hope that BabyMoon Family can alleviate some of the challenges for queer intended parents in Sweden and around the world.
Perhaps, we can eventually get to a point where there is so much information, visibility, and support that procreative consciousness occurs as naturally for queer people as it does for straight people.
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