10 Questions to Discuss Before Pursuing Surrogacy (Part 1)
So, you're a queer-identified man who has thought about becoming a father through surrogacy.
Amazing. You have come to the right place.
BabyMoon Family articles highlight the latest science, laws, politics, and social aspects of surrogacy around the world, focusing primarily on how these topics affect queer men.
My husband and I are currently on our first journey, and we have encountered questions that have helped us focus our goals and discussions.
In this two-part article, I want to share those questions and some discussion as to why they are important. Hopefully, this will help other queer-intended fathers find the path that is right for them on their journey to fatherhood.
Why surrogacy?
The first question may seem unnecessary. After all, you are reading this because you are interested in surrogacy. However, it’s important to really understand if this is the best process for you. Rainbow family building can be done through several options, including adoption, fostering, and surrogacy.
Surrogacy has been growing in popularity among queer men, which was described in a previous BabyMoon Family article (https://www.babymoonfamily.com/original-articles/rainbow-family-planning or https://medium.com/@babymoonfamily/from-stonewall-to-surrogacy-the-lgbtq-community-and-family-planning-bc981cd27e47). However, it’s important to think about what is important to you with having children. I think the two most important factors to consider are genetics and logistics.
Genetics simply refers to the fact that with surrogacy, you can have a genetic link to your child. For some people, this is important. For others, not so much. If you index highly on at least the potential of having this genetic connection, then surrogacy is the option for you.
Logistics is the second main consideration. By this I mean that surrogacy is more of a templated and predictable process. Sure, there will be challenges, delays, and potential heartbreak along a surrogacy journey with picking an egg donor, making embryos, and getting pregnant, but for the most part, we are talking about an optimal reproductive situation with young, healthy ovaries and a medically cleared gestational carrier (GC). Therefore, the process can generally be done more efficiently than an adoption or fostering, both of which can be filled with years of delays, legal complications, and the challenge of uncertainty underwriting the entire journey.
If you are not built for the emotional rollercoaster that often accompanies adoption or fostering, then surrogacy is the ideal consideration.
Where do we do it?
Surrogacy is truly global. However, regulations are rapidly evolving, and it’s important to know where surrogacy is allowed and what types of surrogacy can be pursued in a given territory.
In general, the United States is the leader for commercial gestational surrogacy, meaning the GC is compensated directly for carrying the pregnancy. However, the United States is also the most expensive country to pursue surrogacy, so many intended fathers are exploring more affordable options in Mexico, Colombia, and Argentina.
However, with non-U.S. commercial surrogacy options, there are considerations regarding legal challenges in terms of parentage, paperwork, and actually bringing your new bundle of joy back to your home country. The U.S. - especially surrogacy-friendly states like California - make the intended father(s) the parent(s) of record from the delivery, making the immigration and legal situation much more straightforward. Countries outside the U.S. often have longer timelines for getting the paperwork in order, meaning weeks or months could be spent waiting in the foreign country until you and your family can travel home.
In terms of altruistic surrogacy - or gestational surrogacy where the GC is not directly compensated - this can be done in several countries with Canada and the United Kingdom being the most common. Altruistic surrogacy still includes costs as things like clothing, food, travel, and other expenses incurred by the GC will be covered by the intended father(s), and the wait time to match with a GC in an altruistic country is significantly longer than with a commercial arrangement.
Cost, logistics, and timing are all considerations with regard to the geography of surrogacy, and it is crucial to know and avoid all countries where surrogacy is illegal, of which there are many and the number is continuously evolving.
Be sure to follow @babymoonfamily on all social media to stay up to date on the international regulatory landscape of gestational surrogacy.
Who donates sperm?
This is a question for the male couples.
It’s important to know if you are going to have one genetic contribution or two. Usually, the process of making embryos often results in only a handful - 6 on average - of high grade embryos for transfer. If you split the eggs and both fertilize a portion, the number of embryos that have your genetic contribution will be even smaller.
If you’d like to read about me leaving my sperm deposit at the clinic, feel free to check out this previous BabyMoon Family article (https://www.babymoonfamily.com/original-articles/clinic-masturbation or https://medium.com/@babymoonfamily/masturbating-in-a-clinic-as-a-queer-dad-to-be-44e81dbf7b25).
It is likely with a young, healthy egg donor that if you both contribute sperm then you will each have at least one high grade embryo. So, whose embryo will be transferred first? In general, successful transfers with queer intended fathers and appropriately medically cleared GCs are about 70%, so the first transfer is likely to take. What if you end up only wanting one child? Would you be okay if the first embryo chosen was not from your sperm? Also, clinics, agencies, and GCs are becoming increasingly more restrictive on multiple implantations given the higher risk of complications, so this is another aspect to consider if you are thinking you can easily navigate this by selecting one embryo from each intended father.
It’s a numbers game, and it’s crucial to know how you and your partner want to play those numbers when it comes to how your family is created.
Who is the ideal egg donor?
Until scientific advancements allow for IVG (in vitro gametogenesis), where a man’s sperm could be made into an ovary, queer men have to rely on an egg donor for creation of embryos.
If you want to read more about the science of IVG, check out another previous BabyMoon Family article (https://www.babymoonfamily.com/original-articles/in-vitro-gametogenesis or https://medium.com/@babymoonfamily/queer-future-science-same-sex-couples-could-have-a-child-genetically-related-to-both-parents-ff1fa142b192).
Choosing an egg donor is the first concrete step in a surrogacy journey where the story of your child starts to be written. After all, you are choosing 50% of their genetic makeup. Thinking of this ‘story,’ as in the story you want to tell your child about where they came from, is the best way to view an egg donor.
When your child asks how you picked the egg donor, it can be as simple as ‘I/We liked the way she looked.’ However, in addition to the physical appearance, perhaps there is a cultural or ethnic connection that you would like to have represented in your family given the background of you or your partner? Maybe she is artistic, scientific, driven, caring, or has some other personality trait(s) that you value. Thinking about who she is - even if your child has no relationship with her and never sees her - is important as your child will always think of her as ‘part of’ them.
Most importantly - in my opinion - is this ability to have your child reach out to them in the future. I believe that it is imperative to have this option for the health and well-being of the child, but many egg donors want to remain anonymous.
Again, think about talking to your 6 year old, 16 year old, and 26 year old. What will you say to them as they grow up and have questions about their own identity?
And if you’d like to read more about my husband and I choosing our egg donor, check out this previous BabyMoon Family article (https://www.babymoonfamily.com/original-articles/choosing-egg-donor or https://medium.com/@babymoonfamily/how-to-navigate-picking-an-egg-donor-9f93eeaf003a).
What support do we need?
Surrogacy is a long and challenging process. Whether you are a single intended dad or in a relationship, you will need support from family, friends, and/or chosen family.
However, what support will you need to navigate the ins and outs of the medical, psychological, legal, and financial landscape of surrogacy?
Knowing who you are, how much research you have done or want to do, and how much time and money you have will help inform the type of support you will need on your journey.
Having a child through surrogacy is like building your own village. You need an IVF clinic, an egg donor, a lawyer (most likely more than one), and a GC at the bare minimum.
You can find and organize all this yourself in what is aptly called an ‘independent’ journey. However, if you want more support from people like care coordinators and surrogacy advocates, you can pursue an agency that can provide these services, which of course will come at a cost.
Time, money, emotions, planning, and details. These are all things that mean different things to different people, and it’s important to weigh the pros and cons of each of these aspects to your journey to know what you can manage and what type of support you need.
It’s important to also think of this process as not just something to ‘get through,’ but rather as something to be cherished and enjoyed. It’s hard work and expensive to become a father through surrogacy, but you also want to look back on this time with joy and excitement, and the best way to do that is to ensure you have the support that is right for you, right from the beginning.
That concludes Part 1 of this two part series.
Come back next week to read the discussion of the next 5 questions:
What is a good GC match?
How to navigate the pregnancy?
What are the birth plans?
How much will it cost?
How do we finance it?
As always, if you have any questions or want to reach out, please feel free to email bryan@babymoonfamily.com any time.